Today

Today, December 6th, I was supposed to deliver our baby boy.
I was supposed to have a Christmas baby and
send out Christmas cards announcing our new little bundle of joy.
Instead, God has taken me on a whirl wind of emotions and
a journey He knew would ultimately bring me closer to Him.
Our boy is in Heaven with Jesus.....And oh how jealous I am....Of both of them.

But today I have dreaded since the day I lost him. 
I have mourned and fought with my thoughts then covered them up
and mourned some more. Its been a battle. 
A battle to believe what I have prayed and spoke of all my life about Jesus.
And as much as I fought the pain, I knew God was at work in me.
I created patches in my life to cover the hurt i knew this day would bring.
Even thinking another baby in my belly would help ease the pain.
But God has removed those patches, patch by patch and stripped me down
to completely surrender to Him.
To surrender my fears, worries, and desires of being a mom.
I have always wanted to be a mom. Anyone who knows me, knows I have always wanted to be a mom. I think I would be a good mom.
However, It is through the pain of that being taken away where I have realized my need for Jesus.
I need Him.
And I have learned that needing Him is the key to knowing Him.
He knows my desire to be a mom. And I know that one day I will be again.
I have learned to thank Him for this.
I have seen him strengthen me and grow my character.
He has shown me peace in the most desolate places.
And I believe that through the difficult times, He accomplishes His best work.

Really, today was never a part of God's plan for our boy.
His plan was for him to spend eternity in Heaven from that day on.....
And I should celebrate that day!
Theres not a doubt in my mind that God used this child to stir my heart.
I am blessed for this experience and through it I am forever changed.

Isaih 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail."