Today

Today, December 6th, I was supposed to deliver our baby boy.
I was supposed to have a Christmas baby and
send out Christmas cards announcing our new little bundle of joy.
Instead, God has taken me on a whirl wind of emotions and
a journey He knew would ultimately bring me closer to Him.
Our boy is in Heaven with Jesus.....And oh how jealous I am....Of both of them.

But today I have dreaded since the day I lost him. 
I have mourned and fought with my thoughts then covered them up
and mourned some more. Its been a battle. 
A battle to believe what I have prayed and spoke of all my life about Jesus.
And as much as I fought the pain, I knew God was at work in me.
I created patches in my life to cover the hurt i knew this day would bring.
Even thinking another baby in my belly would help ease the pain.
But God has removed those patches, patch by patch and stripped me down
to completely surrender to Him.
To surrender my fears, worries, and desires of being a mom.
I have always wanted to be a mom. Anyone who knows me, knows I have always wanted to be a mom. I think I would be a good mom.
However, It is through the pain of that being taken away where I have realized my need for Jesus.
I need Him.
And I have learned that needing Him is the key to knowing Him.
He knows my desire to be a mom. And I know that one day I will be again.
I have learned to thank Him for this.
I have seen him strengthen me and grow my character.
He has shown me peace in the most desolate places.
And I believe that through the difficult times, He accomplishes His best work.

Really, today was never a part of God's plan for our boy.
His plan was for him to spend eternity in Heaven from that day on.....
And I should celebrate that day!
Theres not a doubt in my mind that God used this child to stir my heart.
I am blessed for this experience and through it I am forever changed.

Isaih 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail."

what i learned while editing my life

I have always said, this is God's story for me, for us. I know not all of it will be butterflies and rainbows. In fact, I'm sure of it. But then I'm not really sure what God means with the hard things. I imagine it's to grow and trust in Him more or maybe to help someone else do that.

I am reading a book right now by Donald Miller. He explains this particular part that when I first read, I paused and thought to myself, "I think that's how I would feel...."
               
      "Life has a peculiar feel when you look back on it that it doesn't have when your'e actually living it.  ......When my friends Paul and Danielle had their second child, I went to the hospital and held her in my arms.  She was tiny and warm like a hairless cat, and she was dependent.  When I looked over at her mother, Danielle's eyes told me life was about more than sunsets and romance.  It was though having a baby made all the fairy tales in life come true for her, as though she were a painter who discovered a color all new to the world.
I can imagine what kind of conversation God and Danielle will have, how she'll sit and tell God the favorite parts of the story he gave her.  You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

There will still be days

When the time Ive spent keeping busy slows down
And i catch my breath

Days that are harder than others
Where i cant keep a dry face

There will still be days
I long so badly for what i lost

And then days where I cling to Jesus
and find rest

Where I become hopeful again
And somehow I am filled will joy

I keep moving
But I know there will still be days...

Therapy

                                    Therapy is....

                                                     Sisters

                                    Laying on the bed talking

                                             Wine sipping

                                     Laughing uncontrollably

                                    Shopping till your feet hurt

                                                 Connected

                              Miss you xoxox

At Peace

Looking out this morning

I realize

Im at peace

I see God through all this

And Im okay

"The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Number 6:26

making new memories

Boathouse - Isle of Palm

Hello 30's

Today I am taking a leap.

A leap into my thrities.

With no reservation,
I am ready to embrace
what God has for me in this
next decade.

I am stronger.

Wiser.

Humbled.

In love.

Content.

Ready.

So...hello 30's!